What's to be frustrated about...ha ha! I'm a planning sort of girl. I love lists (really, that might be my neurotic, self-soothing behaviour-when you make a list & item 1 is "write list" so you can cross that off as soon as the list is made. Voila-accomplishment!) And I love knowing the plan and generally being in control. It makes me good at my job, you'd think it'd make me a great housekeeper (ahhh the juxtaposition of planning and actually doing...at least where laundry or decluttering is concerned.) But it is giving me an ulcer where Penny is concerned. We know snippets of information, most of it pretty dated, and have 1 minute of grainy video on Vimeo that's I've watched 100 times if I've watched it once. I ebb and flow between taking it in stride and wanting to hop the next flight to the Land of B. Ironically, the closer we get to traveling for our first trip, the frustration of not knowing can hit in waves ( waves that look like tsunamis, depending on the day.) I try not to dwell on it, as I can't change it and certainly it isn't as though I am the only in process adoptive mom who feels this way.
I'd love to be soooo religious and tell you I've given it to Christ. This might be true, but I am fairly certain that rushing back to the foot of the cross to snatch this burden right back up again negates whatever religiosity or virtue I might have otherwise had. So I dwell & pray & dwell some more. And Jesus took compassion on me all the same. While I haven't gotten a letter post marked 1 Pearly Gates Lane, He gave me something nearly as sweet.
As you all know, Patti over at A Perfect Lily is graciously organizing a fund raising give away entitled Saving Penny. Not only have people given beyond generously, folks have been face-booking (is that a verb?) tweeting, and re-blogging about it. When Susanna at The Blessing of Verity (who is supposed to just be snuggling her sweet baby boy) blogged about it, a comment came from another Mom who also adopted from Penny's orphanage who had seen Penny! We were able to connect and she gave me some information about Penny's condition and, more importantly, real encouragement.
What I felt from her was that there was this child trapped in this contracted body...We had prayed for a family that could love her –
She saw a child who, while alarmingly small, pale, & weak, loved to be held. Who made eye contact & didn't shy from being touched. Who enjoyed a volunteer singing to her. Who turned her head to look at you when you spoke her name. And this mom prayed for her....and for us.
I still want to have her home with us like tomorrow, but again I rest knowing God is directing our steps in this path. And I treasure this gift of a glimpse into what our daughter is like.